I miss you

I miss you so much. It hurts.
I'm so scared to contact you because I feel like you want
No part of me or my children.
That is scary.
Even more scary since I can't let you go.
I've tried so hard.
But I can't.
I love you and always will.
So this is as brave as I can be right now. I hope you see this.

Please accept my sincerer apology.

Hi. I'm sure this is probably a big surprise. Your heart is probably beating as hard as mine. I've tried so hard to convince myself that we've grown apart and are both better for it but there is something in me that won't let go. I miss you. I miss our insanely stupid and great times. I know I messed up and as did you. Neither of us is completely innocent. All I know is I've tried for two years to let you go and I can't. My soul misses you. It misses our friendship and I don't think I'll ever be able to let go. I don't know if you feel the same or if you've swept our friendship under the rug and moved forward. I'm so happy for you and your husband. I feel like you are truly happy and that's all I've ever wanted for you. I hope your life is all you've ever wanted it to be.  If you ever wanted to make an attempt to start fresh with us then I'm on the same page, if not then I hope you truly believe that I sincerely hope your life is as incredible as I hope it to be. I will always love you and no matter how hard I try not to I will always think of you when random things remind me of our million inside jokes. You will forever hold an important part of my heart. I hope you're blissfully happy Laura :)

Dear Ex-Best friend

Dear ex-best friend,
You have been on my mind a lot lately.
I've been remembering all of the good times
And all of the bad.
I have to say, you are the absolute hardest
Relationship I've ever had to move on from.
We were friends for 20 years and I can't let it go.
You have crossed my mind hundreds of times
In the last (almost) two years.
I remember how stressful our friendship
Was in the end.
it had become toxic.
We had been friends for so long that
We couldn't seem to speak
Without offending or making the other defensive.
I was too sensitive and never really spoke my mind
For fear of conflict.
Which also meant that I felt bullied
By your strong opinions but kept
Quiet instead of talking about it.

I have thought of you so often that I started
Wondering if something was wrong and
I would pray for you, for your safety and happiness.
Because no matter how long it's been,
 how many times I try and make myself
Believe we are better without each other,
I still miss you,
I still love you.
I honestly don't think that will ever change.
It's been almost two years and I still haven't
Deleted your number
Because a tiny part of me
Hopes that someday God will
Bring us back together.
I want to reach out
I want to try again
I don't know about you
But I've changed a lot
Grown a lot in the last two years.
I know we could never go back to how things
Were and I don't want it to
But the idea of starting fresh
Sam and Laura 2.0
It just sounds nice.
I don't know if we could or if you'd even want to
But it's been heavy on my heart today.
Honestly I was so emotional and thinking of you
That it reminded me of our connection/cord
And I may have secretly hoped you were in
The same inner turmoil and we were suffering
Together lol
You will probably never read this but I needed to
Get this written down.
I needed to know there might be some hope you'll
Someday see it.
If we never speak again I still want you to know
That I truly am happy for you,
I know nothing about your
Fiancé but I know that you look happier
Than I've ever seen and that makes me happy.
I hope you have a pimpin' life :))

Sweet Child of Mine(and the Hellion)

So as we know by now my youngest son has not
been an easy baby. Lots of yelling and sleepless
nights and just anger.
He is a hulk baby.
lol
Since he has learned to crawl he has completely
transformed!!
He is so sweet and happy!
He is smiley and so freaking adorable it hurts!

Last week he just woke up and decided
that he wouldn't eat babyfood anymore.
So now he is eating everything we eat.
He was an adorable chocolate face last night
after dinner when he tried his first
chocolate chip cookie.
So cute!!

He is however becoming a huge pain in the nipple.
Dean has started the biting during feedings and
yeah it hurts like shit!
Parker did the same thing but I feel like it didn't
last as long.
However I have probably blocked out most of that
horrific pain.

*lighting dims, lightning strikes, dogs howl, cat screeches*
And now to my hellion....
Parker is driving me batshit crazy...
He is so stubborn and whiney right now that I fear for his life
lol okay not really but it sure feels like that!
I am going to have to try some new form of punishment
because he has been spanked a billion times and he isn't
getting it. Evan made the connection, oh if I act bad I get
my butt spanked okay don't do that.
Yeahh......
NOT PARKER..
So as much as I hate to say it I think I am going to add
a timeout after each outburst.
We'll see how that goes..
He can't stop moving so being forced to stand facing the wall
should kill him. lol

Being a mom is never ending hard work
and no I'm not JUST realizing this lol
Just felt like writing it out so maybe
I don't lose my mind!

Well anyway I do suppose I have vented enough for the day.
Until next time, stay classy ;)

Sentimental Words of a Mother

My boys.

They drive me insane, fill me with pride,
embarrassment, anger and so much love.

It amazes me how different each of them are.

So small and already so unique.

Evan was my first baby. I was twenty years old and so clueless
as to what I was truly getting myself into.
I was blessed because he was an excellent sleeper from the get go.
He was anti-boob though and so as much as I wanted to breastfeed he
refused. After feeling like a complete failure as a mother I tried pumping
and he took the bottle just fine. It took some time but after a few
lectures from my mother I stopped feeling like a failure even when I returned
to work and dried up forcing me to turn to formula. I did my best and
we survived. Evan has always been my independent child. As an infant, baby, toddler
he has always been fine by himself, you could pass him off to anyone and he'd be fine
wouldn't cry or want me to hold him.
Which was great and a bit sad. As he reached 1 and then 2 we realized he was having issues
with his speech. I was homeschooled and have always planned on homeschooling my own
children, so the horrible realization that I couldn't teach my child to speak
crushed me. We put Evan in preschool with speech therapy classes and he has
made incredible progress. Since I am with him daily I have a hard time noticing his progress and I am beyond ready to have back and forth conversations
with my 4 1/2 year old. We are getting there but it is a very slow progress
and I am exhausted with waiting. I have to pray for patience a lot. Evan is so smart
and goofy and a wonderful big brother. I cannot believe he will be 5 this summer.


Parker is an entirely different child. He will be 3 this March. He was born a mama's boy.
Which was a wonderful change! It was amazing to feel like my child needed me! lol
He was also a good sleeper and all around a good easy baby. I was able to successfully breast
feed with him which was a wonderful experience. As he reached the terrible two stage we realized
that Evan was not the stubborn child we thought he had been, he had been easy compared to Parker's
toddler stage. He is smart and stubborn and pushes the limits constantly. He is the child that will most
likely be the death of me. lol Parker is funny, sweet and sensitive. That has been the biggest difference between the two. Parker is a crier, I know part of it is the whiney stage but he is just
sensitive where as Evan isn't. Parker can watch a sad scene on a cartoon and start crying, he
can get worked up over his brother playing a game on Gram-gram's phone and start bawling (yeah,
Evan was playing Temple Run and every time he got a boost he got excited and Parker thought
it was a bad yell instead of a happy yell and he started bawling.. haha) Even though he drives me
up the wall with his constant pushing the envelope and whining he is my sweetheart. He is the
boy who will run up and throw his arms up and ask for hugs. He wants to be held and to give kisses
and all of your attention. Parker is so smart, he learned his alphabet very quickly and he has an
excellent memory. Except when it comes to potty training lol He does fine as long as he is naked
but put him in undies and he forgets the drill. lol He is also a wonderful big brother and loves giving the "baby Dean" kisses.


Dean was my difficult pregnancy, horrible backaches, terrible nausea, pinched nerves and then let's
not mention the new anesthesiologist who spent 30 minutes trying to put in my epidural.
30 minutes of contractions AND shooting nerve pain, yeah I was not a happy lady. When they
finally brought in someone else and finally got it in I was deliriously happy that I told the lady
she was my best friend haha So long before Dean was born he was graced with the title of
Monster lol
He did TRY and make up for being a difficult pregnancy by coming 9 days early and since he
wasn't a girl he did grant me one of my life long wishes of an April baby.
(I was born in April and apparently as a kid I decided it means it's an epic month to be born haha)
He was born the last day of April, the day after my birthday.
Dean was the difficult baby, what could I expect after having two easy babies? I should have known
lol He had a hard time getting into a good sleeping routine, he has the most intense cry/scream
that makes you want to rip your hair out and strangle a chicken
lol okay maybe that was a step too far.
He has gotten better, took him a couple months to really get into a good sleeping schedule and
the last couple weeks he has been much happier since he has mastered crawling.
I have never seen a baby SO eager to move. The other two were excited to crawl but not like Dean.
He was so enraged he couldn't crawl and now he is getting mad that he cannot stand and walk.
Dean is determined and loud. I can't wait to see his personality as he grows but it kills me
that he is already so big. He is our last baby and it breaks my heart each day as he continues
to grow.

I cannot even imagine what life will be like in ten years. It scares the ever living crap out of me!
I will have a 14, 12 and 10 year old.. WOW.... okay, I need to hyperventilate into a paper sack now!
I cannot wait to see there strengths as they grow into young men. I hope they have my love of
reading and creative writing. The idea of one of my sons having my passion for writing
makes me so excited!(Because I want that, it will probably not happen lol) I hope they have a good
sense of humor and are kind when they get old enough to realize how lame their mother is. I hope
they are romantic and understanding like their dad. I hope they are smarter than Cody and I combined.

The thought of hurt feelings, broken hearts and all other pains I can't kiss away makes me want to
burst into tears. They are my little boys and I hate the thought of the world hurting them. Watching
your children grow up is hard and painful all around. I don't suppose it gets any easier.
I hope and worry everyday that I am and will be the best mother I can be. I suppose every mother
worries about that. I stress over the things I fail to do and forget to give myself credit for the
things I do daily. It is hard to live up to the wonderful mother I have. I still don't know what I'd do
without her. I am fairly certain I would be lost if I couldn't text her and ask her random questions
although I think she is getting tired of me asking her things I could find the answer to on google haha

This turned out to be a lot longer than I had planned but I guess I had more things I needed to say
than I thought lol So to wrap this up I have three entirely different, exhausting, crazy and completely wonderful little boys who I am madly in love with.
<3

Updates & all that jazz

Here's the update since my last post

My children are getting huge.

Dean is 8 months

Parker will be 3 in March!!!

It is winter and my working out has went to the crapper lol

I'm trying to stay motivated but yeeeaaahhh...

Damn winter straight to hell.

I miss running SO bad but I refuse to run in the cold lol
it's just a no go for me.

In other news I have started a new book and am
so happy to be enjoying writing again!
It only took what?
2 years?! haha

Anyway nothing terribly exciting is going on in my life
(well we are getting a puppy and that is VERY exciting! haha)

I will move right on to pictures of my handsome family :)

Such handsome little guys :)

They love their little brother :)

I LOVE this picture. It's so stinkin cute!

Our Christmas tree (stupid lights burnt out on the bottom) and our lazy cat lol

Christmas morning

Yes I did dress my family and I think we look quite dashing ;) lol

 

 

Ab Workout

Alrighty so my ab workout can be pretty random.
I have a few different things I rotate between because I have
retarded abs that if I can actually make them sore
they adjust quickly and stop becoming sore.

1 Min Plank(on elbows)
30 Second side planks (each side)
20 side bends (both sides with 15lb weights)
20 crunches with legs raised
20 sets scissor things (lay on back, right leg straight up and left leg hovering above floor, hold for 3 seconds then switch= 1 set)

That is basically what I try and do 3 times a week, sometimes I add other moves in but that is my basic :)

My Arm Workout

Work it.. Work it good!
Lol Yeah I'm lame I know..

 Anyway so I thought I'd make a post about what my workout routine consists of besides my running.

So on the days I don't run (usually Sunday, Tuesday& Thursday) *Saturday is my rest day unless I just can't get a run in on Friday then I just switch*

 

Okay so here is my arm workout

 

50 pushups 25 reps (girl push ups)

5 lb dumbbells

25-30 Bicep curls

20 Rows

20 Triceps extensions

20 Butterflies

20 Press'

 

I tried something different today and used 15lb dumbbells and did the same

routine (minus the butterflies and Press') but

only did reps of 8-10 except for the bicep curls

I did 12 of those and it was hard lol

 

I'm sure some of you studly people are going to think

this is a lame weak workout but hey, you just take your

studly butt and go judge someone else!

I am working my way up and getting stronger and this

is just where I am right now.

I am pretty proud that I can pump out 25 pushups without stopping.

Yeah they are girl pushups but I say they still count so woohoo!
Actually today I made it to 41 before I died and had to rest lol Not sure
where that burst of energy came from but I liked it!

 

I will try and get a post of my AB workout up next :) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Body After Baby

Hello!

So I decided to start documenting my journey to get

 back in shape after having this sweet little

guy right here :)

He was born April 30th (day after my birthday) weighed 7lbs 06oz

Sweetest little monster ever! lol

 

During the last month of pregnancy I was so ready to get back

out there and start running again that I attempted it too soon

and hurt myself lol So after some resting I slowly tried again.

 

I started out by working back up to being able to run 2 miles.

After not running for 9 months that was a lot harder than I thought it'd be.

Last summer I ran outside mostly but this summer has been way too hot

so I've been running indoors on the treadmill 3 days a week.

On my off days I've been doing arms and abs if I'm not dead

from running then sometimes legs as well.

I'll make a post with all the fun details of my workouts soon!

 

It's been a little over three months since Dean was born, I have

gotten back down to my prebaby weight of 160.

I would love to get down to 145-150 but I'm just not sure

my body is capable of getting into that range without

having to starve myself and workout like a psycho on crack lol

So my goal is to keep working out and get toned.

The number isn't as important as getting toned and fit.

At least that's what I keep telling myself lol

I'm trying to stay positive and not be so damn hard on myself

Doesn't help that I have a very skinny younger sister (big hooker lol)

But she hasn't had any kids.

SO once again, be nice to yourself Sam! Grr

 

I am setting a goal to be kinder to myself

to eat healthier

and continue my journey to getting fit!

 

SO here is my progress so far!

 

 

 

1 Month after Dean                                      3 Months after

 

 

 

So there has been a definite improvement but I still have a long ways to go!

 

Hopefully putting this out there will help keep me motivated!

Check back and I'll post some more awesome info about my journey

to get fit!

:)

Dying A Slow Painful Death

Okay so that
MAY
be an exaggeration.
Does it feel like it?
NO!!!
I am on week 2 of battling a head cold and it is killing me slowly.
Last night/this morning I had horrible lower back pain which is not fun
but to be expected with being 6 months pregnant and having to cart around
a chunky (almost) 2 year old.
GAH I cannot believe my baby will be two in March.. He's getting so big!

So I guess I should inform you peoples that we are having
another boy! lol
His name will be Dean Lynn <3
It was a bit saddening at first and then I had a heart attack
imagining three teenage boys and how we would never have food in the house lol
But we are very excited
and May 9th cannot get here fast enough!
I HATE PREGNANCY!!!
I don't know if it is because this is our last or because I'm a stay at home mom but wow..
I am miserable and ready to push this kid out and go back to normal!
I have been sick through so much of it I haven't been able to stick to my workout plan
which is annoying.
Last summer I really got into running and then we started trying to get pregnant.
Well needless to say the first three months I had horrible terrible the world was ending
morning sickness lol
Then after that finally went away I felt okay but still exhausted.
Well then both boys and I got sick and I've been back to being unable to do my 3X week run/walk.
Luckily Evan recovered quickly. Parker still has a slight cough and a runny nose poor kid.

Another Lovely Detail.
If I cough or sneeze or laugh one more time and pee my pants I am going to scream!!!
Curse my children for ruining my bladder! lol

This is me at 24 weeks

And at 25 weeks.

I already feel so uncomfortable and bloated that I keep telling people I am sure to die before May. lol
I vaguely remember how horrible the last month and a half is but I already feel like I'm at that point
Someone needs to shoot me with a tranquillizer dart and wake me up when its time to go to the hospital lol

Okay thats enough complaining for one post.

Exciting News

I am still an epic fail with this blog. lol

Hopefully I will get better someday.



In other news!



We are expecting our third and final bundle of joy! :D

I am due May 9th 2013

We are very excited!



DECEMBER 11TH

we will be finding out if this little booger is a boy or girl!

I think boy but everyone I know hopes and prays girl lol

I'm preparing myself for boy but obviously hoping for pink ;)



Here are a few of our family pictures :)







The boys are getting so big!



Evan already pats my tummy and says "Baby!"

I'm nervous about Parker, my little mamas boy.

Hopefully he deals with a younger sibling alright..
I am very excited for Thanksgiving!
I'm finally past the horrible morning sickness and now
all I want to do it eat! lol
This pregnancy has been crazy different from the boys'
Lets hope that points to girl! lol

Hopefully I will post more soon! :)